No Time For Grief
There is no time for grief. There is no time to cry. Life goes on. Stand back up. Keep trying. Success is just around the corner. Life must go on. These are just a few of the messages that the world teaches, loud and clear. They are not all bad, right? This was also the message in my home growing up and, probably, to some degree, the home my children grew up in. Again, it’s not all bad, right?
Sometimes the circumstance doesn’t warrant the tears falling down my face. Who says? The world who is judging us! That’s who! Why do we listen to them?
Life goes on. Yep! It sure does. My dad died on August 9, 2019. That was a Friday. I was back at work the next Wednesday. It was my DAD! My daughter had three miscarriages. Life goes on. Put in your circumstance(s), and I bet it ends with life goes on. Of course, life cannot stop for every trial, struggle, hardship in the world. So, how do we thrive while “life goes on?”
We thrive by stopping and allowing the rest of the world to move on.
Sometimes we have to pause at least one thing in our life so we can grieve, stand back up, figure out what went wrong, etc. And, full transparency here, I’m terrible at this! I am getting better, but the struggle is real.
As I shared in an earlier blog post, it took me hiring a life coach to truly begin learning how to stop and let the world continue to go on around me. In my early twenties, I went through a very painful divorce. I suppose they all are. I was pregnant and then a single mom the moment I had my daughter. Feedings every three hours around the clock made sure that life went on, even though I was attempting to grieve in complete confusion. I had no idea how to grieve, and I think I can confidently say I failed at it. This was my first adult struggle, but it wasn’t the last. Each struggle just piled on more hurt, anger, frustration, confusion, and pain, because I dusted off my feelings and moved on with my life, until I couldn’t anymore.
Today, I’m learning to just let life go on without me when I need to stop and process and grieve the issue at hand. It’s not easy to do this because we still have responsibilities. But, I have learned to look at my life and ask what I can say no to right now so I can say yes to rest or grief or forgiveness or help.
In our society, we are often taught that life must go on no matter what. We are expected to keep moving forward, to keep pushing ourselves no matter what we are going through. And while this kind of resilience seems admirable, it’s most often unhealthy and even dangerous. It’s important to recognize when we need to stop and rest, when we need to grieve or forgive, and when we need to ask for help. Let go of the often taught phrase, “if you are not moving forward, you are going backwards.” Really? I will preach loud and clear, not always!
Grieving is a natural part of human life. When we lose someone or something that we love, it’s natural to feel sadness and despair. And yet, we often try to push our grief aside and get back to our normal lives as quickly as possible, because let’s be honest, we are too busy to stop and grieve. We’re told to be strong, to keep moving forward, to get over it. But grief doesn’t work that way. It’s not something we can just turn off like a switch. It’s a process that takes time. It’s a marathon, not a sprint.
During the grieving process, it’s important to give ourselves permission to rest and take care of ourselves. We may need to take a break from one or more responsibilities to focus on our healing. We may need to spend time with loved ones who can support us. We may need to prioritize self-care activities like exercise or counseling. Whatever it takes to honor our grief and give ourselves the time and space we need to heal.
Similarly, forgiveness is a process that can’t be rushed. When someone hurts us, it’s natural to feel angry, resentful, and vengeful. But holding onto those negative feelings can be damaging to our mental health and wellbeing. It’s important to give ourselves permission to forgive, even when it’s hard. This doesn’t mean we have to forget or condone what the other person did. It simply means that we release our own attachment to the pain, anger, and hurt.
Asking for help is really hard for me. We’re taught to be independent and self-reliant, and asking for help can feel like weakness. But the truth is, we all need help at some point in our lives. Whether it’s a medical issue, a financial challenge, or an emotional struggle, there are times when we simply can’t do it alone. And that’s okay. Asking for help is a sign of strength, not weakness. It takes courage to admit that we need support and to reach out to others for assistance.
So, when do we have permission to stop and rest and grieve or forgive, or ask for help? The answer is simple: any time we need it. We don’t need permission from anyone else to take care of ourselves. If we need to take a break, we can do so. If we need to grieve, we can do that. If we need to forgive, we can do so. And if we need help, we can ask for it.
It’s important to remember that taking care of ourselves is not selfish. It’s necessary. We can’t keep giving to others if we’re not giving to ourselves. We can’t be there for our loved ones if we’re not taking care of ourselves first. And we can’t be our best selves if we’re not taking care of our mental, emotional, and physical health.
In conclusion, life will always go on, no matter what we’re going through. But that doesn’t mean we always have to keep moving forward. It’s okay to stop and rest and grieve or forgive, or ask for help. Giving ourselves permission to take care of ourselves is essential to living a healthy and fulfilling life. So, if you’re feeling overwhelmed, tired, or just need a break, take it. You have permission. Someone, please remind me of this, often!
